WESTMINSTER – The UK government’s draconian policy of deporting those who fail to learn to speak English will have terrible consequences for the Shetland Island community of Whalsay, it was revealed today.
Prime Minister David Cameron made the announcement after carrying out a thorough investigation into the 1,000 strong community. UK Government officials were left confused by the primitive native language that is used on the isle, struggling to find any Whalsay natives who would be capable of passing standard grade English.
Announcing the plans, the PM said: ‘My government has identified those who do not speak English as a threat to national security, and we saw no better example than on the Isle of Whalsay. Here is an isolated community of savages whose language has barely evolved beyond basic grunts and gurgles. We cannot tolerate this in Britain. We will deport them.”
Da Bonxie understands that the final destination of Whalsay residents has not yet been decided, but options include Narnia, the year 1970 or Hull.