David Cameron set to deport entire Whalsay population for failing to learn how to speak English properly

WESTMINSTER – The UK government’s draconian policy of deporting those who fail to learn to speak English will have terrible consequences for the Shetland Island community of Whalsay, it was revealed today.

Prime Minister David Cameron made the announcement after carrying out a thorough investigation into the 1,000 strong community. UK Government officials were left confused by the primitive native language that is used on the isle, struggling to find any Whalsay natives who would be capable of passing standard grade English.

Announcing the plans, the PM said: ‘My government has identified those who do not speak English as a threat to national security, and we saw no better example than on the Isle of Whalsay. Here is an isolated community of savages whose language has barely evolved beyond basic grunts and gurgles. We cannot tolerate this in Britain. We will deport them.”

Da Bonxie understands that the final destination of Whalsay residents has not yet been decided, but options include Narnia, the year 1970 or Hull.

7 Comments on "David Cameron set to deport entire Whalsay population for failing to learn how to speak English properly"

  1. Why the UK penchant for nonsense arguments? The Romans held disdain for the immorality of the greeks for the very same reason that the rest of the world holds disdain for Brits.

    Sentences, paragraphs, and speeches rarely consist of recipes. Just because a man refers to a cake, does not mean he cannot bake one.

    Just because a public servant refers to a policy agenda, does not mean he cannot create a practical one.

  2. Weel bairns! Wit tinks du o yin idee?

  3. George R Robertson | 19th January 2016 at 3:52 pm | Reply

    What about the hordes uf Ukkies who refuse to speak Spanish, despite having set up homes in Spain, and to speak Gaelic in their new colonies in the Western Isles? Could you send me a copy of “Teach Yourself Bonxic”, please?

  4. REDVERS CROOKS | 19th January 2016 at 4:47 pm | Reply

    They should’ve burned CAMERON WICKERMAN STYLE
    on WHALSAY.

  5. Gordon Laurenson | 19th January 2016 at 7:26 pm | Reply

    Whits da point in deporting dem elsewhar,,dey wid joost inflict der language on idders,best to lave dem on der Bonny isle, fae whit I hear immigrants to dere dunna bide lang onywye.

  6. Elizabeth Jane Masson | 29th January 2016 at 10:30 pm | Reply

    This sounds like a man that learns ,more and more ,about less and less, until he knows absolutely, everything,about nothing.! He has obviously not been privileged to go to Livister School, Brough School, or the Symbister House . Whalsay is one Uniquei Island with a unique language and people. Mr Cameron would be hard pushed to find an island , so independent in community and spirit anywhere . Do not criticise people’s mother tongue, many islands have many different languages! Where is this proposed place for deportation?

  7. As lang as da ken whit dirlin alang da lug is.

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