ABERDEEN – Serco Northlink Ferries have today confirmed that the entirety of the net profits from the operation of the North boats will be invested into a brand new fit for purpose vessel.
The investment of £190 million is the first significant investment locals will have seen since the wildly popular ‘sleeping pods’ which have been likened to sleeping in a coffin lined with drawing pins.
The new vessel pictured above has been built with passenger comfort and pleasure in mind. In the centre of the vessel is a “sunlight entrance receptacle” which will be known as ‘the hole’ after the chair of the board of directors. This will allow passengers to marvel at the natural wonder of the sun on the one day a year it actually shines.
The vessel is due to be launched by Stuart Hill, the famous Shetland mariner who himself has built a number of world class ocean liners including the “Fucked It Up I’ and the very impressive “Titanic II”. Mr Hill will carry out the traditional launching method of repeatedly attempting to smash a bottle of champagne against the hull of the ship until people get bored.
Alongside the new vessel, Serco will continue their internal & service improvements with the introduction of a new “pay for politeness” scheme where passengers will be charged £35 for staff to treat them as customers rather than giant walking cash cows.
Although controversial, the introduction of a new environmentally friendly toilet system where passengers will pay a £5 deposit for three squares of toilet roll and will receive 50p in return for each unused square is likely to lead to awards for Serco.
Finally Serco intend to allow passengers to captain the vessel for a period of 20 minutes for just £1 million. A spokesperson said: “Well, at least they’ll notice a great big red ship directly in front of them”